First, let’s set the stage; self-worth and self-esteem are products of self-perception, or how you see yourself. Self-perception is related to the beliefs you hold about yourself; what you think you are capable of, and how good you think you are. This is powerful stuff because all of our quick processing and automatic behaviors stem from our core beliefs.
It would make sense that you always put other people's needs before your own, you feel trapped, and you harbor bitterness about not getting your own needs met if your core belief is that you are not worth anything and that other people are more important than you are- their wants, needs, desires, preferences, opinions are all more worthy, true, deserving than yours. If that is the case, It would also make sense that you have a hard time taking time out for yourself and prioritizing your health- that you can’t find the time to fit in exercise and can’t justify the money or time it takes to eat healthy, you feel guilty when you take self-care time, and you engage in numbing behaviors like gossip, Instagram scrolling, or disassociating.
It is because you are not happy with what is happening in your day to day and you are not in control of your life, but you don’t feel worthy or capable of taking control and you are scared of trying. This happens gradually to people (trauma survivors especially) when they stop believing in their ability to do the right thing, make the right choice, or make any choice. Not believing in your ability to make the right choice or to make any choice is incredibly debilitating. it is one of the most defeating and hopeless feelings out there.
A story in Peter Levine’s book on healing emotional trauma called “Waking The Tiger” highlights this. In 1976, 26 children ranging in age from 5 to 15 were kidnapped from a school bus in California. They spent about 30 hours imprisoned in an underground vault before they were able to escape. What happened was that one of the children leaned on a beam in the underground vault causing the whole roof to collapse and if they didn’t dig themselves out quickly after that collapse, they would have all died.
In this dire situation, many of the children froze and shut down. Only one of the children, Bob Barklay, could overcome his fear and mobilize enough to dig out and save all the rest of the children. They all survived, but not without huge shifts in their core belief systems. 8 months later a psychiatrist named Lenore Terr did a follow-up study on these children. Terr found that all children showed long-term effects on psychological, medical, and social functioning, except Bob.
Bob, as the book says, “successfully met an extraordinary challenge.” He was able to mobilize the rest of the children, dug them out, and repeatedly commanded them to move even when they were literally frozen in place with fear until all children made it out safely. What is most important to note is that while the rest of the children suffered nightmares, anxiety, panic, and other trauma after-effects long after the event was over, Bob did not. The story in his head is, the core belief that he came away with, was that he can and will, that it is vital to act, move, and try. The story in their head, their core belief, is that they couldn’t and didn’t. That story carries on, sometimes into adulthood, until we disrupt it.
Again this is all tied back to whatever core belief about ourselves we have. Do you believe that you can? Do you believe that it is worth it to try? Do you believe that it is better to fail than to never try at all? Do you believe that making a mistake is something that you can learn and grow from? Do you believe in your ability to figure it out and make it work? If so, that is the base messaging that produces feelings of Self-worth and self-efficacy. If you don’t believe these things, it would make sense for you to feel and have low self-worth and self-efficacy.
Beliefs are highly unconscious or at the least subconscious. It is not like we sit down in the mirror and said out loud to our reflection “I don’t think you are worth anything” or “ I don’t think you can do it”. Maybe some of us have actually taken it that far, but the point is that these core beliefs stem from early messages or traumatic events; deep unconscious messages from verbal and nonverbal cues in our environment that we have internalized. I am talking about how people acted around you as a child, what they didn’t say, what they didn’t let you do, just as much as what they did say and what they did do.
We learn about who we are early on based on how we are treated by our caregivers, parents, and siblings, and that becomes a part of our core beliefs, which influences how we act and react in lots of situations. We can and we do overcome these messages and rewrite our core beliefs as adults with lots of help and practice, but some of us enter into adult relationships that feel just like our childhood traumas, which reinforce those early core beliefs. Sometimes our romantic relationships have us right back to feeling like dumb, defenseless, useless children, even though we are powerful, autonomous adults in many other areas of our lives. Our work, our parenting, and our friend groups can all be based on empowered action while our romantic relationships feel like being stuck in an underground vault, scared to leave, scared to stay with lasting effects of disempowerment, low self-esteem, and low self-worth. This may be hitting hard for some of you, so let’s get to the solutions.
Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine is primarily about getting to some kind of empowered action and exerting your will into your situation so that you can shed the victim mentality in favor of the heroic story of triumph; to successfully meet extraordinary challenges. He writes a lot about how if you cannot outrun or overpower your challenge, you will freeze, that is exactly what the children did, and what lots of animals in the wild do. It is a survival response that works, but the only reason it is successful long-term is that when the threat passes, you MUST unfreeze. We see animals physically shake off the freeze response and then hop to a full sprint as soon as the danger passes and we MUST do that also.
This article is not about overcoming the freeze response, this video is about practicing actions that support core beliefs of high self-worth and high self-efficacy so that next time you are in a dangerous situation, your actions and reactions will be more like Bob and less like the children he saved. I don’t want you to have to shake it off after it passes, I want you to successfully meet extraordinary challenges, so I am going to teach you how to challenge your belief system by practicing Autonomy!
Autonomy - maybe you have heard this word in the past, but it is the right or condition of self-government. You can think of it as freedom or self-directness. If you think about government, it is a set of rules, laws, and ordinances set to ensure the ultimate health and safety of the people it serves…. so self-government is creating and living by your own set of rules, laws, and ordinances that have your own best interest in mind.
Autonomy refers to the ability to make decisions and take actions independently, without external influence or control. It is a highly valuable skill to have because it allows you to exercise agency, assert your priorities and values, and pursue your own goals. However, it is not always easy to achieve, and many things can either enable or inhibit it.
One important aspect of autonomy is self-awareness. To be truly autonomous, you must have a clear understanding of your thoughts, feelings, and desires, as well as the ability to reflect on your own experiences and motivations. This requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and introspection, as well as a willingness to question your assumptions and biases. Without self-awareness, you may be more easily swayed by external pressures or influenced by unconscious biases and beliefs.
From the time we are born, we are subjected to someone else laws, rules, and ordinances. This is obviously beneficial for a baseline of morals and judgment, but the absolutely comes a time when we NEED to differentiate ourselves from our built environments so that we can decide for ourselves what rules, laws, and ordinances are in our best interests and what is not- so that we can onboard healthy self-governance from a place of values, morals, and core beliefs instead of a place of fear of punishment. The more self-governance we are afforded, the more we are capable of it. The more we practice it, the more we embody it
That all sounds well and good until you add other people into the mix. We can all do exactly what we want in a day when we are single, in solitude, or otherwise un-tethered to other people, but when you throw the wants, needs, and preferences of other people into the mix, many of us lose our Autonomy altogether. In some cases, autonomy can also be in tension with other values, such as community or collective well-being. Individual autonomy may need to be balanced against the needs of the team or the organization, or relationship.
The secret to keeping your autonomy and feeding your positive belief system about your efficacy and your worth is to actively practice it on your own so that you will have better success keeping it in balance when you are with others. Make it a point to ask yourself what you really want out of life, out of this week, out of this day, in this hour, in this moment… listen and be honest with yourself, and then DO IT (of course we are talking about actions that are non-harmful to yourself or others here.. not every impulse is true Autonomy, remember self-governance factors in the overall health and wellness of the individual balanced between the now and the future)! You won’t be able to do exactly what you want every time, but don’t let that stop you from practicing bringing that want and desire forward. Hear it, listen to it, call it out, name it… even if you decide that it is not appropriate to exert your autonomy at this moment… give your autonomy space to exist anyways.
My challenge to you is to take that even one step further and schedule out Autonomy practice days. Find a day where you can do EXACTLY WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT for every second of that day. I am not talking about what you think you should be doing, I mean what you really want to be doing. That can be hitting a yoga class and a walk with your BFF for coffee.. or it can be staying in your bed most of the day reading. The action does not matter, the intention does. As long as it is TRULY deeply what you crave for yourself, then yes do it!
If you decide to do that here is what will happen:
DON’T GIVE IN! Ask yourself, is that what you REALLY want to be spending this time doing? One day is not a lot of time. You can afford it. It is VITAL to your perception that you follow through with building your muscle for autonomy. Relating, conceding, compromising, and negotiating will all be there for you tomorrow. Today, TODAY is your day where you practice doing what you want to do. This heroic act o freedom will carry into your core belief system and help you reinforce the fact that yes, you matter. Your wants and needs matter. Your preferences matter. You living in autonomy and choice only strengthens your relationships. You owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to be more and more authentic in your self-expression every day.
Start today. Start by doing some pre-prep. What are some things that you would love to do, catch up on, or try? What has been in your head and in your heart to get around to lately? Make a list. Okay, I'll make it easy on you, chores, work, and homework are all out. You are not allowed to put them on the list. Errands are also not allowed on the list. What is allowed is stuff that you want to do just because.. adventuring, exploring, expressing, playing, getting creative, or just being. Maybe it is fishing. Maybe it is volunteering. Maybe it is spending the whole day with your dog or taking a drive and listening to music. Maybe it is trying out a new recipe. Make your list, so that when your Autonomy day comes around and you panic, you can pick off the list and start there.
One rule I forgot to mention, you have to go at it alone. You cannot add another person to this day because then you will be accounting for their wants, needs, and preferences and you will completely miss the point of the exercise. Make it a day for yourself and strip yourself away from every external input in your life. Then come back here at let me know how it went!!
Overall, autonomy is a complex and multifaceted concept, and the pursuit of autonomy requires ongoing reflection, self-awareness, and a willingness to engage in dialogue and negotiation with others. By working to understand our own motivations and goals, and by seeking out information and resources that enable us to make informed decisions and take independent action, we can cultivate a greater sense of autonomy in our lives and in our communities. Now, go out and successfully met your extreme challenges.
